Different Slants

The Munden family was awakened before dawn this morning by an explosion in their kitchen. The destruction was devastating. “It will takes weeks to clean this up,” said Mrs. Munden. “We might as well just remodel.”

It appears that this is part of a nationwide assault by a radical Amish group on one of America’s most sacred institutions – the kitchen.

Radical Amish are the last people you would expect of terrorism. For that matter, who ever heard of radical Amish? That is what makes this plot so sinister, no one expects it! And if they refuse to use technology, how can they build such destructive weapons?

Read on to learn how they do it and what you can do to protect yourself.

It all began about eight days ago. A seemingly innocent little old lady rang the front doorbell. It was answered by an unsuspecting Robert Munden. The perpetrator handed him a plastic ziplock bag and a sheet of paper. She said only, “Give this to your mother,” then quickly walked away. Perhaps her haste to depart should have been a tip off.

Mary Munden returned home some time later to find a one gallon sealed plastic bag containing a suspicious, gooey, yellowish substance. There was also an 8-1/12 by 11 page with the deceptive title “Amish Friendship Bread”.

This so-called “friendship bread” is one of the most diabolical weapons of mess destruction since the invention of fried food. It contains nothing more high-tech than yeast but it operates on the principles of social engineering.

Here is how it works: It starts out with you receiving one of these bags of goo – most likely from someone you know and trust. Then you follow the simple, day by day, instructions on the sheet of paper that came with the goo. They mostly tell you to “mush the bag”. Note that you are doing the work. It also says near the top of the page that “If any air gets in the bag, let it out.” That should raise a red flag. The bag is sealed, how would air get in? It can’t! The next line is a warning but it sounds so innocent: “It is normal for batter to rise, bubble, and ferment.” Of course it is normal. Just like it is “normal” for a steel pipe packed with gunpowder to explode when the fuse is lit. These bubbles are carbon dioxide, the well documented greenhouse gas that is going to make the earth as hot as Venus, melt the polar ice caps and drown us all.

On the 6th day, the instructions tell you to add more flour, sugar, and milk. In other words, you are helping to build your own doom! Al Qaeda was never half as clever.

Then, on the 10th day, should you survive – and you may not, you are told to divide the batter into 4 equal parts, bake one into a loaf of bread, and give the other three to unsuspecting neighbors. This is the most incredible part – they have you building and distributing their weapons for them! You are the bomb maker!

It has been estimated that one out of five people targeted by this dastardly plan will not be adequately vigilant. They will put the bag behind something on the kitchen counter or maybe on top of the refrigerator. They will not let the air out the bag. If the bag is ignored for two consecutive days, it will explode. It will release its payload of greenhouse gases and cover everything within 20 feet with bubbling yellowish goo. It is uncertain what would happen to anyone in the kitchen at the time of the explosion but we do know that the kitchen, and any appliances within, will be completely disabled and a hazmat team will be required to decontaminate the area. You may have to move out of your house.

Don’t let this happen to you. Go to your kitchen, right now, and check to see if you already have one of these time bombs sitting on your counter, or hidden, just out of sight. If you find one, first carefully let the air out of the bag. Yes it releases a potent greenhouse gas but it may save your home. Next, call the authorities at Homeland Security and tell them to come over immediately. Just as a precaution, make sure you have some plastic sheeting and duct tape where they can see it. You want to let them know you are prepared for any terrorist threat.

Finally, should a neighbor, or an innocent looking little old lady come to your door with a ziplock bag full of goo, whether or not they are wearing an Amish uniform, detain them and call the FBI. Remember, the FBI can only listen to your phone conversations and read your email, they cannot watch your front door for you. You must, as a patriotic citizen take this part of law enforcement into your own hands.

Good luck and a happy April 1st.