Different Slants

May 31,2007

One early morning in May 2007, I was standing in front of my bathroom mirror, bleary-eyed and sleepy. My creaking fifty-seven year-old spine takes a while to loosen its rigidity and I move slowly for the first hour or so after waking up.

So I’m standing there, my left hand filled with a small cloud of white shaving cream, trying to remember what to do next. Then I heard a sudden sound of loud, ferocious barking from my backyard. It was our family wolf pack, whose barks came in a variety of sizes: Rosie, a black Miniature Dachshund, Betsy the lovable Beagle and Jasmine, our Labrador/Spaniel with her piercing yellow/brown eyes.

High-pitched squeaks to deep rumbles. These were not friendly sounds crashing into my ears. All three dogs are hunters.

Then I heard Sarah’s scream. (Read on …)

On the one side, there’s a corrupt alliance between big business, agricultural interests, and the “old boy” wing of the Republican party which would like nothing better than to have an endless supply of cheap labor, that they can exploit and enrich themselves with.

On the other side, there’s liberals and activists who view the cause of the migrant worker getting ten times the wages he could get in Mexico as a major civil rights issue, one in which in their serene and unfounded sense of superiority gives them the standing to deride as racist and Neanderthal anyone who points out that there is no entitlement for anyone to cross the border and make themselves at home in this country and start demanding things of those that legitimately live here.

A pox on both their houses!

President Bush is right that we need a guest worker program (remember the Sicilian tradition of spitting after speaking the name of the rival Don? I just spit.). In no way should that be linked to anything else like “a path to citizenship” or benefits that many Americans don’t have. His proposed guest worker program (as best I understand it) is fatally flawed because it links in too many other things.
(Read on …)

So now it’s a big issue: what to do about 12 to 30 million (depending on who’s counting) illegal immigrants doing our dirty work or fouling up our schools and emergency rooms (depending on who’s telling the story).

As with most complicated problems, it’s better divided into its parts. (Read on …)

First, some background: My family came to America between 1902 and 1916 from Eastern Europe, where some of my immediate ancestors were murdered during the World War One years. They were non-combatants. I grew up with grim tales of unending, irrational persecution and in sync with my left-of-center politics beginning in the later Sixties, I wouldn’t wish that kind of terror and life on anyone.

I grew up on the South Side of Chicago and never met any Middle-Eastern people. The neighborhood was Polish-Jewish-Irish. In 1968, at seventeen, I was severely beaten by two plain-clothes Chicago cops, hand-cuffed, thrown in a paddy-wagon and booked for resisting arrest. What soon became apparent was that I had been assaulted by mistake because to the two cops who captured me, I evidently looked like a local Arab youth they were unsuccessfully pursuing who was suspected of numerous breaking and entering incidents. I was eventually released and went immediately to a hospital, but none of my subsequent antagonism was aimed at the unknown Arab teen I supposedly resembled.

Over the course of my varied career, I never had any conflict with any person with roots in the areas around Israel. I have no prejudice and never had any difficulties with someone being a Muslim, or any other religion. Even when terrorist-inspired fears to the airlines caused me to be endlessly pulled out of line at airports to be scanned by metal detectors, and/or have my luggage searched, I never blamed Arabs whom I must closely resemble or why would so many people agree about that? (Read on …)

I have long felt the United States Capitol ought to be centrally located to be easily accessible to all the continental states, except for Hawaii. Alaska can’t be a factor in this either, because that would require moving our Capitol somewhere in Canada. This would not go over well with our Canadian friends. They already have their hands full with the Black Fly problem up there.

Besides the Alaska exception, if someone is lucky enough to live in Hawaii, why would they care where the U.S. Capitol was? Whether it was in Florida, Maine or Oregon, it would still be an ocean away from Paradise. So, Hawaii, let it go. Worry about the volcanoes or rising sea levels. That oughta keep you busy for a while.

If the Capitol was in Lincoln, Kansas, to be renamed Lincoln DC, with guaranteed voting rights for all citizens living near or far from it, then all those long, boring plane rides by Western States’ politicians would be equalized with the Eastern States. The conservative Midwest would have a calming effect on the rampant strange behavior that seems to manifest itself only when national politicians are isolated from the good manners of properly brought up states like Ohio, Indiana, Nebraska, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan and my exciting favorite: Illinois!

Washington could (and should) be turned into a museum city, like Williamsburg, and it could turn its attention from endless boring politics and oppressing the citizens of the USA to finally developing a nightlife, besides Senators chasing their secretaries. Right away that would reduce the number of heart attacks among our governing 535 elite persons. If a man chases a woman in Kansas, he’ll get a pitchfork right in the ass by some outraged farmer. Or librarian. Or, get books thrown at him. Good books, too.

The current terrible traffic problems of the insanely congested East Coast Corridor including neurotic major population centers such as New York City, Philadelphia, Boston, Baltimore and Washington, DC would be immediately relieved by removing that one central Destination of Contemplation. Airports would benefit as would railroads, interstates and bus terminals. Cabs would once again be available after so many people (on urgent missions for the country’s well being) are removed from the East Coast.

Furthermore, considering that the principal entertainment in Kansas is watching wheat grow, fishing, and um…shucking corn?? a politician would truly have to be interested in bettering our country knowing he or she would be sentenced to two to four years in the Heartland.

Lobbyists? Are you kidding? Remember those pitchforks? They would work equally well on the conniving, thieving plump rear ends of well-fed…lobbyists. Then the farmers would yell:

“GO SHUCK YOURSELF!!”

Only honest, sincere people who read for pleasure in their quiet hours would run for national office, I guess.

We could use more politicians who know how to read. And not just Bibles. I know for a fact that there are bookstores in Kansas, someplace, and they sell books there. Or pitchforks. I forget. And no cussing in those places either. The Midwest grows solid people who believe in courtesy. Los Angeles and NYC could learn from the Heartland. And Paris, France, too…

The new Capitol could be built on a hill, overlooking a river, and there could be a design competition among all 50 states. All options would be open. Since the location is Kansas, the White House could be beige; a sensible color. It hides the dirt, too.

We could have Government Buildings of Color, more accurately reflecting the population as it is now. There ought to be daycare centers everywhere, so more women would run for office and not have to choose between government service and raising a family.

If more women ran for office, there would be less war and belligerent behavior overall. No woman Senator or Representative would have to prove she had “Balls.” That whole macho bullshit posturing by supposedly “tough” men who cleverly avoided military service themselves, and who send other Americans to punish other countries, would be moot.

A woman who actually had a child of her own might be a lot more reluctant to vote to kill another woman’s child living ten thousand miles away. They might reconsider another battleship and decide we could use another thousand high schools instead.

I believe more women in government, at all levels, not just nationally, would create a redirection of priorities. More “straightening out our own house” before pursuing adventure, murder, chaos and steamrolling other smaller nations who absolutely have to see all things, our way, all of the time. That would change.

Women who have raised families, or helped raise other families, cared for elderly parents or worked in medical or educational fields would be more inclined to spend the “Battleship Billions” on Alzheimer research, eldercare, AIDS, breast cancer (which half of the women in my own family have had) other cancers, autism, working conditions in our factories, stem-cell research, and working cooperatively with other countries in pursuit of cures for these and other social priorities. Hunger, poverty and child care of all kinds would suddenly rise to the top of the pile of Congressional Bills to consider.

I bet they’d take a closer look at making higher education available to all who want to try to improve their lives, and at the same time, creating new tougher national standards for people to become teachers between grades K thru 12.

They’d make it harder to become a teacher, make it an honor to be a teacher, like it seems to be in many other parts of the world, and mandate significantly higher pay rates to attract the best people possible to those professions.

Or maybe highly educating tomorrow’s citizens is not a significant priority and we really oughta have that ol’ battleship. Or two. Well, you can’t shoot off missiles from the ocean if you can’t read the directions first to see which button to push, can you?

OOPs! We sunk New Zealand…Damn!!

I bet if our Kansas Congress was composed of at least 50% women, there would be serious discussions about the quality of our bridges, highways and railroads. There’d be questions about why we don’t have many more railroads to tie this vast territory together, consequently making this country less dependent on fueling millions of individual cars. Europe could teach us plenty about that, too, I know. I’ve been to Europe many times.  Their trains run on time, too.

If the trains run on time and you’re jumping out of the way of swarms of bicycles, you know you’re in Belgium. Or Germany. Or France. Or Sweden.

Renovating decaying cities, properly funding the upkeep of national parks for the millions who use them, or want to use them, and making the ERA a fact and not a hoped for–some day–dream. Figuring out a way to nail down the irrefutable right of every woman (and every person) to be treated the same, paid the same rate as a man for the same job and especially, medically insuring all US citizens the same as our esteemed elected people in the United States Congress are.

No “glass ceilings” or any sort of invisible barriers of any kind would be winked at to kill a capable person’s ambitions.

I have a sneaky suspicion there would immediately be introduced, a (mock) serious bill to spend billions for research to make it possible for men to be able to give birth so that women weren’t saddled with 100% of that heavy responsibility.

In response, I gleefully imagine there would be a new bill passed immediately, by almost 100% of those present in our new Midwestern Capitol except, perhaps, by the few men too old to bear children, that would insure complete control over any person’s body, by that person, to determine if having a child would be the best thing for that person, in their and only their opinion. I bet that “Body Rights Bill” would set a new record for:

Yea? Nay? Passed? Yup…”

Why should I care?

Everyone should care. I helped deliver two of my daughters, and adopted a third. They are now 32, 27 and 11 respectively. I can’t imagine other people deciding their fates either medically or in terms of their careers, based principally on their gender.

What a nightmare! Who could imagine a world like that??

Oh, you mean…the world we have now.

Oh.

Better change that, Ladies. But, you’ve got to get elected first, don’t you? So, what’s stopping you? Got something more important to do than make America a better, fairer, healthier and more civilized place? If so, at least put it on your list of things to do. I have.

So, to sum all of this up:

# 1…Move US Capitol to Lincoln, Kansas. Now.
# 2…Elect hundreds of smart, caring women to help run this country.
# 3…Fix all the broken parts of America’s infrastructure.
# 4…Make America truly a land of equal opportunity.
# 5…Make women equal to men in every conceivable way.

In my unelected opinion, I bet if all the above were to happen, soon, those reasonable women legislators would gladly let the male politicians build a battleship or two.

Little ones.

Better hurry, Ladies. America needs you.

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Published May 1, 2007, in honor of the Workers of the World.

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Note to readers of my story: Move The US Capitol To Lincoln, Kansas

After half a year passed, it appeared to me that no one was aware of what I felt was a pretty decent idea, besides being a kinda funny story, too, based on virtually no visits to my blog: www.differentslants.com I stewed about that for a while.

I had this quirky notion to call some actual residents in Lincoln and tell ‘em they were being talked about on my blog. Maybe someone would care. It seemed to me to be an interesting thing to, but that was all.

At first.

Looking up phone numbers on the internet, I tried the Chamber of Commerce, schools, motels, restaurants, the library and a museum, too (open 2 hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays). No luck in most cases because it was late Saturday, 11/3/07 and small towns close up early in any event.

But then a message arrived from this very receptive and lively woman, Marilyn Helmer, who evidently was working late at the town newspaper, saw my e-mail and responded in such an open and friendly manner that she caught me by surprise. Our several exchanges follow this note, below.

But a funny thing happened, somewhere along the way. What I had felt was just an interesting thing to do…..surprise a small town, see if the people there would be pleased or not…..became something more moving to me.

When Marilyn asked me, innocently, in effect

“Why Lincoln……….?”

I stopped typing and thought to myself,

“Well, Bob, why Lincoln?”

Then this rush of emotion came over me, and I saw more clearly what I wanted to say, and the torrent of words that followed are a more honest reflection of my anger,disgust and frustration with the selfishness and indifference that consumes too many of Washington DC’s politicians.

It seems too often, to me, once candidates of either major party at long last nailed the endless process of winning the election, so many of them quickly start making deals to stay there, forever. They swiftly forget what they once fervently promised their voters they would do, once they got there, in political heaven.

Maybe my spontaneous essay that came from that bottled up frustration is not, with a very respectful nod to Mr. Lincoln, the Gettysburg Address, but then, I am only an average man.

However, the average man is not to be trifled with, ignored or distained. The tens of millions of us are not so simple, not so easily deceived, not so easily distracted by some single social issue repeated over and over and over, to keep us all in line, hypnotized and controllable, like trained monkeys.

A country filled with seething average men, and of course average women, is a very powerful force. A Congress occupied by very well-fed, well-paid, well-insured, well-protected politicians who are not in any danger of being sent to Iraq or any other war zone they collectively deem essential to send so many other family’s sons and daughters…is no longer a government worthy of representing a people. They become a class unto themselves.

Maybe some people reading all this are thinking that I care too much, too strongly.
Or maybe, just maybe…………I’m completely like you.

I sure hope I’m not alone in my passionate plea for real progressive change to refocus our country, for the people.

Read the story below for yourself, good people of Lincoln, Kansas. I hope to get to know you, if you’d like that, and come visit your town one day. I bet it’s a real nice place.

Perhaps people from Miami to Seattle, and Boston to San Diego, when they read this, will be wishing the same thing.

Respectfully,
Robert m. Katzman
www.Differentslants.com

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(My first direct contact, ever, with anyone in Lincoln, Kansas, initially sent anonymously)

Hey, Lincoln, there is a story on a blog on the internet about moving the US Capital to Lincoln Kansas and why it’s a really good idea! I saw it and thought maybe Lincoln people would want to know.

Go to www.differentslants.com and click on the Robert Katzman stories on the right top area of the home page. The story is pretty funny and very complimentary to Lincoln and Kansas.

Check it out.

Bye! : )

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(Marilyn Helmer’s first response)

Gosh, thanks!! I submitted a reply–if you don’t get it let me know. I’m forwarding your story to our editor–the Lincoln community and sons and daughters all across the country who read their hometown paper will love you!!

Did you send this to other Lincoln addresses? It’s OK if you didn’t, everyone around here thinks I’m the biggest mouth here! I’m certainly going to run with your idea!

Marilyn Helmer

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Marilyn,

I wrote the story.

I decided to tell Lincoln because even though I’m a writer, I’m not well known enough (yet) for anyone in Lincoln to ever hear about my excellent idea. I am dead serious about what I wrote and it has to stand on its own. I am honored that you like it, and I wanted someone in your town to know it was no joke.

My book website is www.fightingwordspubco.com I have published 3 books, sold 3,000 and will publish my Lincoln, Kansas story in my next book, when I can afford to do that.  (Finally published 5/07/08)

The book site will tell you a lot more about who wrote the story and what some other people think about what I’ve written too.

If my sometimes funny ideas help draw some positive attention to your town, maybe I can come see Lincoln one day (safely, no pitchforks please) and be able to meet you, Marilyn. That would fill in the blanks in my imagination about what your town is really like.

I bet you have good restaurants in Lincoln too, don’t you?

Thanks for taking the time to respond to me and also for being so encouraging about offering to spread the word about my story.

What you are doing personifies exactly what’s right about Lincoln and what’s wrong about where the US Capitol still is now, over two hundred years after the American Revolution was won. Do you think anyone in Washington D.C. would every respond to me, for any reason? Unless I had twenty million dollars to give away?

Not likely.

I will gladly rely on you to spread the word, Marilyn. I am no genius about computers and you’re gonna know who to tell far better than I ever would, anyway. You are the first one to reply to the 4 or 5 e-mails I sent out, so you’re elected Lincoln’s new

Queen of Transmission of a Capitol Idea

if you’ll accept the honor. This could become interesting. You never know. Feel free to call, if you wish. That’s my cell number under my name.

You’re a doll, Marilyn! You have made me happy. : )

Robert M. Katzman

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Bob,

Just found out about your suggestion about Lincoln, KS being the U.S.
Capitol. Bring it on! We’ll come up with something–we survive that way
with everything else!

Our beautiful rolling hills, clear skies, and mature population (scant as it is) would, indeed, have a calming effect on our nation.

One of the earliest settlers here helped name the county and town after Abraham Lincoln, his childhood neighbor in Kentucky and Indiana. One hour away is Abilene, Dwight Eisenhower’s home town. Two of our country’s best Presidents who have Kansas connections should
bode well for the “Move it to Lincoln” pitch!

Lincoln County also has the state’s best statistic for living the longest. Guess we’re healthier
because there’s lot’s of natural space and we like each other!

We’ve got young movers and shakers here ready to work on this relocation project–just let us know when you are ready to get serious! Thanks for the confidence and attention.

Just how did you pick Lincoln, anyway?

The geodetic and geographic centers are north of here, in other counties.

Never mind, just come on out and we’ll give you a tour!

From the Land of Lincoln Look-A-Likes,

Marilyn Helmer

You can see all comments on this post here:

http://www.differentslants.com/2007/05/03/move-the-united-states-capitol-to-lincoln-kansas-seriously-by-robert-m-katzman/#comments

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Marilyn,

I picked Lincoln because I was charmed by the unpretentiousness of the name, and because of the kind of man (and Republican) Lincoln was, because he was a healer and not a divider, because he was self-made, independent, resolute, determined, sure of his values and just a first class man.

I’m an Independent voter myself and I look at the man and his life, not just the words someone else puts in his mouth.

I picked Lincoln because I felt no one there would be confused about the simple concepts of right and wrong. Or about acceptable behavior from elected officials. Because I bet Lincoln cares about its kids, its older people, its veterans, it’s disabled and people who have fallen on hard times. I bet Lincoln looks after its own, like I wish my country would do, Marilyn.

I picked Lincoln, and what I imagine the plain-speaking, hard working State of Kansas to be like because you symbolize to me what a place’s priorities ought to be and what isn’t clear to those disconnected guys on the far away, indifferent East Coast.

I’ve never been to Lincoln, Kansas. I know no one there. I would never make fun of a small town, either. I only wrote what I wrote on my blog because I’m heartsick over nobody caring about people who really need caring for, all over the country…this country, right here.

My wife of many years, Joy, has multiple sclerosis. We have three grown up kids and an adopted daughter, Sarah Hannah, now 11. My mother-in-law, Helen, whom I love and is 89 years old, lives with us. She is Lutheran. We are Jewish. So what? We drive her to her church every Sunday morning. We all celebrate Passover together, too. Two religions in one house is no threat to us.

We also have 3 sweet dogs and they sleep on our beds all night and keep us warm.

There’s a ton of things wrong with me, too, Marilyn. but that’s ok, because all four of us look after each other and its not too much trouble, ever. We are our own small town in our house, and everyone gets attention. No one’s troubles are ever on a back burner.

I wrote about Lincoln, Kansas because I want my country to be like my home and my family, and how I envision you all to be. All you strangers in Lincoln, whom I’ve never met. But, you know, we’re both Americans. If you have a fire or flood or tornado, does the Kansas State line mean a damn thing?

Do the soldiers from Lincoln, now stationed Iraq, only fight for Lincoln?

If the power goes out in your only hospital, are Nebraska, Illinois, Iowa, Missouri or anyone else close enough to help you, gonna tell you:

“Too bad, Lincoln, You’re not our problem. We’ve got ourselves to worry about”

Not in the country I want to live in.

Lincoln, Kansas.

A little place in the middle of America, represents to me, in my imagination, the ideal of:

We’re all in this together.

Aren’t we?

Robert M. Katzman
November 3, 2007

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