Different Slants

Seeing the World from a New Angle

Wisconsin Stories: Damn Country Boys Can!…by Robert M. Katzman

Filed under: Humor,Politics,Wisconsin stories — Bob at 9:30 am on Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Robert M. Katzman’s Amazing Story:  http://www.differentslants.com/?p=355

By Robert M. Katzman © February 1, 2013

 

At Dead Man’s Curve

My hot rod swerved

All eighteen wheels sliding

But I twern’t afear’d

That rod was carved from a Model T

Kissed by Henry Ford

An’ afore that, a covered wagon

Racing west through the plains

Flaming arrows piercing the air

My pretty blonde grandma

Screaming and pumpin’ her Winchester

Because damn country people can!

We can hunt bear with an ax

An’ eagles with spears

An’ fish with a machine gun

Damn trout’ll never know what hit ‘em!

  (Read on …)

Relentlessly Seeking to Hear John Wayne’s Voice…by Robert M. Katzman

Filed under: Conspiracy Theories,Gritty Katzman Chicago Stories,Humor,My Own Personal Hell,Philosophy,Rage! — Bob at 10:43 am on Sunday, December 30, 2012

© December 29, 2012

 

Being 62, to me a toggle switch or a cell phone represent the length and breadth of my technological expertise.  Younger people who make fun of that limitation would also probably ridicule a dog because it couldn’t fly.  Must the dog defend itself?  How?

On the other hand, what I lack in contemporary understanding of I-Phones, texting or chat rooms, I make up for with dogged persistence. There’s that dog again.

My beautiful wife Joyce and I respond to perplexing quandaries differently. She views an evidently unsolvable situation as a specific punishment from God aimed at her, and therefore she must accept that ruling.

I, however, even though being one of the Chosen People, don’t actually have a hotline to Heaven, and I see big problems as resolvable with a combination of steady patience and reducing the tangled mass of the problem into little digestible pieces.  Here is a vivid example of such an incident.

Chanukah came in November this year, 2012, and though chronically short of funds, I was able to scrape together enough dollars to buy a 42” flat screen TV on sale at a very cheap price after months of hunting for just that.  It was made by a very obscure electronics company, probably imported from Mongolia.  My theory was that since I could only afford one gift, why not buy something that was the right size and color for all three of us?  The third person is my delightful daughter Sarah, now sixteen. She would have rather had a car…any car…but that wasn’t in the cards for her this year.

So, our little electronic assembly now consisted of a strange-looking, vertical, silver colored device we received from AT&T’s U-Verse division in order to make our TV work and an ancient DVD/video player because we have 100 cassettes of all the Disney classics, they work just fine and our grandchildren are transfixed by those movies, plus that big, wide, skinny new TV. So, fine.

Joyce, being far better able than I am at following complicated instructions—she can use a sewing machine and program the TV clicker—read the little booklet provided so she could correctly attach the two cables provided to both the TV and the old movie player.  The cables were the standard gold-tipped type with a long copper wire sheathed in black rubber and both ends had a single pin that connected most devices made long ago and still today. Everything worked.  I knew they all would because Joy can even program our microwave, so what the hell, right?  No surprises there.

Except for one.

(Read on …)

Stand-Up Guys: An American Story……by Robert M. Katzman

Robert M. Katzman’s Amazing Story:  http://www.differentslants.com/?p=355

(Reprinted from the original publishing of this story, December 8, 2008, just before Christmas Eve 2012.  I hope it warms your hearts like warm brandy, just like it did mine when this frankly incredible story actually happened, four years ago.

Yes, there are good people out there, and you never know when you will meet them, even on the darkest of days.  If anyone wants to post a comment, there ‘s a space to do that after the end of my tale.  I hope you do want to say something. Maybe you will tell someone else about it if they too need cheering up.  Right now, I believe a lot of people need cheering up.

So, Merry Christmas.  Here’s my little story, set during a fierce blizzard in Chicago, four years ago. Every word you read happened, as in all my stories.)

 

Charlie Newman, a Jersey guy, will get all this immediately.  For him, I know I don’t have to spell it out.

But for all you other guys, well, it went down like this…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once a week, I go to this little place, a small cafe on the northwest side of Chicago–not the glamorous part–and join a rotating group of guys, and girls, to read my poetry and short stories at an “open mike” kind of place.  This venue, cleverly named: The Cafe, is so intimate that there actually isn’t any microphone.

People are quiet and respectful of the spoken word, and so no amplification is necessary.  It is a civilized two hours in our assorted lives, and the outside world doesn’t intrude in out efforts to communicate whatever is in our hearts or loins or whatever.  By around ten o’ clock, when we are done and go on our separate ways, there are hundreds of words scattered around the floor of the tiny stage, and Baki, the silent owner, sweeps them up.

Every week, one person is the “Feature” of the evening.  This means, instead of someone reading a few short pieces in seven minutes or so, one person has about twenty-five minutes to read a longer more complete work.  Some people have their poetry published by different small presses and they sell a few copies.

There are usually about a dozen people who show up to take part in this moment of culture, gradually, by the 8:30 PM starting time, sometimes a half a dozen more.  The place is so dimly lit, that if after a couple of beers, an affectionate couple decided to neck in a corner, near the bar, no one would notice.  Or if they did, well…that’s a kind of poetry, too.

Week after week, this gathering of diverse individuals occurs and the number of participants is always about the same, even though I believe I’ve seen perhaps fifty or sixty different faces that drop by on a particular night, over the time I’ve been coming to The Cafe. It’s kind of mysterious that the number stays the same, but things don’t have to make sense every single time you get involved with something.

Charlie Newman is the Master of Festivities and also reads his own stuff, but at a speed so fast, no one can be sure exactly what it was he was expressing.  Maybe he’s suggesting how fast life flies by and we better not miss it, but I’m just guessing that part.  Charlie does his bit, and then introduces the first poet, and after that, by some Byzantine method only known to him, decides who follows that person on stage.

(Read on …)

Turkish Haircut

Filed under: Humor,Travel — Rick at 8:31 am on Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Mary and I spent the summer crossing Europe from west to east in a sailboat.  The trip took us through the rivers and canals of France, Germany, Austria, Slovakia, Hungary, Serbia, Bulgaria, and Romania before leading us to the Black Sea.  Details of the trip (written for boaters) can be found on my Red Sky website.

After reaching the Black Sea we sailed along the coast through Romania and Bulgaria then through the Bosphorus to Istanbul, Turkey.  The first three days in Istanbul were spent going through the byzantine process of clearing in.  After that we had a couple of days to play tourist and just explore.

One day, while wandering the market streets on the Asian side of the city I spotted a barber shop.  I have begun a tradition of never having two consecutive haircuts in the same country.

A market street in Istanbul

A market street in Istanbul

I had not had a haircut since Germany.  I also had not had a shower since Bulgaria – so I was neither looking nor smelling my best. (Read on …)

The Compassionate Cops of Wales (reprinted Christmas 2011)…by Robert M. Katzman

Filed under: Cops,Friendship & Compassion,Humor,Jewish Themes,Philosophy,Social Policy and Justice,Travel — Bob at 10:46 am on Saturday, December 3, 2011

Robert M. Katzman’s Amazing Story:  http://www.differentslants.com/?p=355

(First published October 16, 2008)

Bendith Duw ar Bobl Cymru a`u plismyn gwaraidd!!!

(God bless the Welsh People and their civilized policemen!!!)

My original motivation to travel to Britain for the first and only time, in 2001, was to investigate Notting Hill.

Notting Hill was long famous, even before the warm-hearted film of the same name with Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts, for its incredibly congested, unbroken mass of bargain-seeking and perspiring humanity crushed within its mile long length, as the best flea market in Europe.

While I did find beautiful ceramics, overflowing tables of eccentric flotsam and jetsam, and the original 1964  Beatles periodicals I was actually seeking, as well as a priced-to-sell full suit of medieval English armor for mounted combat or jousting, the memory I find that lingers longest are my three unplanned days in Wales.

The distance from London to Cardiff, the capitol of Wales, was slightly less than driving from Chicago to Madison, Wisconsin.  Interesting places are much closer together in Great Britain than in the States.  The approximate size of the former homeland of the world wide British Empire is about the same size as Illinois and Indiana, together.

Britannia…small, but mighty!

To me, the charm of travel is experiencing the unexpected, and that is what the Welsh Police Force was unprepared for, when I attempted to explore their part of that lovely little island, and they kept crossing paths with the continuously confused Jewish guy from the far more dangerous South Side of Chicago.

I just love those guys.

 

In May, 2001, without warning them first, I flew from Chicago to England for four days, three of them of exploring Wales.

I was going to rent a car in London so I could wander through the Welsh hills, dales and towns. A helpful guy from American Express advised me that my rental car was covered by them as an additional benefit of having their Optima card, and not to take the expensive local insurance policy because that was unnecessary.  I thanked them, packed up my guide books and road maps and left the American Midwest to seek British adventures.

This was at the height of the international concern about whether there was an outbreak of mad-cow disease in England, so being a carnivore, I was concerned by how limited that might make my choices of what I could eat there.  Because of severe food allergies, including many fruits, vegetables and even some spices, and not being a fan of East Indian cuisine, this was more than a casual concern. Plus, being slightly kosher, I didn’t eat pork.  Or drink coffee.  Or beer.  Or wine. That little British Isle was beginning to look smaller and smaller.  And even more of an adventure, too.

Tea, however, was ok.

Not enough, of course, but it was a start.

My initial desire to go to Wales was to visit the world famous town of Hay-on-Wye.  I first heard about it years ago when I owned a world-travel bookstore.  It was claimed to be the only town in the world with thirty-five used bookstores, each specializing in a different subject, like cooking, science fiction, art and so on.  Just thirty-five used bookstores, a pub, a gas station and the Wye River swiftly flowing by, to add to the romantic setting.

Mae`r Gelli Gandryll yn nefoedd ar y ddaear i  lyfrgarwyr! 

(in Welsh–Hay-on-Wye is Heaven on Earth for booklovers!)

I wondered if all that fairy tale charm could actually be true.  I had to see for myself.  It was irresistible.

So I landed at Heathrow Airport with my one carry-on bag.  I never take more than a single bag under the theory that the airlines can’t lose something of mine unless I give it to them.  To date, I have never a lost bag.  I also carry a little day bag with me with some essentials: a dozen prescriptions (sigh…); a 1982 antique Olympus X-A 35 millimeter camera, not digital and great pictures, plus ten roles of 36 exposures film; a good historical book set aside in advance especially for a long airplane ride; band aids; a tiny flashlight and a couple of imported dark chocolate bars for hunger emergencies.  My standards for what constitutes an emergency is somewhat flexible when it comes to dark chocolate, now considered to be a health food, thank God.

Then I went to the car rental company to pick up my reserved compact Ford, which looked somehow European to me.  The steering wheel being on the right side might have had some small influence on my first impression of how the car seemed kind of alien.  Kilometers prominently displayed on the odometer were another distraction.  But, I dismissed that as no big thing.  As advised by my credit card company I refused the offer of 100% collision insurance from the car rental company and paid them for the three-day rental with my Optima credit card.  My brief thought about that was:

“Well, that’s a nice savings.”

It would not be my last thought on that subject after the tumultuous days to come.

My first impression of London, while trying to escape from it was:

 “Jesus Christ! This is one huge, complicated and jam-packed city, man!”

 There was concrete everywhere, big buildings, bridges and thousands of fast cars whizzing around me, as I searched for my exit. The signs being in English were of little comfort because all the names were still foreign to me. There were huge trucks and a great deal of noise surrounding me.  I wanted to get out of London as quickly as I could.  Then the exit I’d been searching for appeared in my windshield and I did.

I was 132 miles from Cardiff, or about two hours away.   Now, I was in no great rush.

The road from London to Cardiff, Wales was beautiful and surprisingly empty.  Little traffic and no visible towns for the majority of the distance between the two cities. No billboards.  Just green, everywhere.  England was many shades of green, was my first impression.  I read they had sixty million people living in Britain, but I saw no evidence of any of them for a long time between London and Cardiff.  That was also when I first noticed that the highway seemed somewhat narrower than in the States. The individual lanes seemed more compact, too, but I thought I might be imagining that part.

So, driving along, casually, I passed exits for Windsor, Maidenhead, Reading, Newbury, Hungerford, Marlborough, Calne, Chippenham, Corsham, the ancient Roman town of Bath, then rolling through the gentle Cotswold Hills I passed Keynsham, the bigger city of Bristol, past the Bristol Channel just by the border of Wales to Newport, and then down the west side of the narrow channel to one of Wale’s largest city, Cardiff.

Cardiff, a modern city of 320,000 people and the Capitol of Wales since 1955, was first inhabited by European Celts, according to excavations, at about 600 B.C.  Its name in Welsh is Caerdydd, which translates, according to most historians, into Fort Dydd or Diff, possibly named after the river Taff where the ancient Cardiff Castle is located.  The Romans built that fort in 75 A.D.

It was attacked by the Normans in 1081 A.D. after the successful 1066 invasion from Normandy, now part of present day France.  The Normans built the castle over the foundations of the destroyed fort. It wasn’t until 1536 that Cardiff and all of Wales became legally part of England, involuntarily, from what I read. Calling the Welsh people British doesn’t necessarily make them believe that, in their hearts.

(Read on …)

Bill & Bob & Ellen & Larry & Hugh & Jan & Brian…by Robert M. Katzman

Robert M. Katzman’s Amazing Story:  http://www.differentslants.com/?p=355

© Halloween, 2011

 

Every so often, as present civilization seems to be crashing down around us, and civility with it, good happens.

Why this is always a surprise mystifies me, but just as there’s more darkness in the Universe than light, perhaps that out-of-whack ratio is mirrored here on Earth with evil overwhelming good.  I don’t want to believe that is true.  I have evidence to the contrary that spontaneous good both exists in the most modest of people, and that it is either an inherited trait, or a mutation.

Though my story was written on Halloween, it is more goodhearted than all the witches and goblins who surface that day, and is much more of a Thanksgiving Day story, at least to me.  Let me introduce the cast of this absolutely true little drama, which begins in frigid winter, 1967 and ends in sunny June 2011, forty-four years later.

Bill Reynolds, Ellen Teplitz, Larry Mallette, III (who was not yet born when this story begins), Bob Katzman, Hugh Iglarsh, Jan Muzzarelli, and Brian Hieggelke.

I just noticed that there are eight sets of double letters scattered among the seven of us, and four of the uncommon letter “Z”.  But that has nothing to do with my story…or does it?

Come back in time with me and see how all these seven strangers gradually met, and then what happened.

 

In December 1967, in Hyde Park, a neighborhood about six miles south of Downtown Chicago, I was seventeen and operating a wooden newsstand on the corner of 51st Street and Lake Park.  That distinctive community was also home to the University of Chicago, and I was in my last year as a senior in the University’s high school, known embarrassingly as The Laboratory School, but mostly called Lab School or U-High.  I was a writer on the school newspaper.

It was expensive and the only way I could keep going there was paying the tuition by running the primitive and so-very-cold-in-wintertime newsstand, seven days a week.   No parties, no dances, no irresponsible adolescence. It was a glamorous school with many pampered children of famous people, wealthy people.  As you might imagine, while standing on a corner in sleet and enduring icy winds blowing off Lake Michigan, I did not see myself as one of them. The small school population was an impenetrable clique. A sexy new girl student always found a way in. A guy hawking newspapers with black headlines screaming about Viet Nam?  Sorry.  Full up.

There was a kerosene heater inside my shack, and it kept the dark and worn wooden interior reasonably warm.  The problem was my endless running back and forth between cars lined up impatiently waiting for their Chicago Daily News Final Markets Red Streak, prevented me from being able to sit down long enough to thaw the chill in my teenaged bones.  The shack had a double window on a track so I could open it by sliding it back and forth.  When it wasn’t rush hour, I stayed inside and stared at the empty street, thinking about my chances.

Movies frequently made a corner newsstand look like a colorful or romantic sort of place with the old guy working there dispensing ancient wisdom, smiling and beaming at the passing parade.  Norman Rockwell.

I was failing algebra and mastering curb service. I resented the impatient customers who never tipped and rarely said ‘thank you,’ and wasn’t able to find some nice warm girl, a pretty girl, to be my girlfriend.  Real life.

So, on one of those grim winter days, this short girl wanders down to me from the corner. She was older than me, a little chubby, wearing big fluffy ear muffs and a warm black winter coat with a furry hood.  She wore practical glasses, had a shy smile and mittens on her hands. She was wearing warm-looking boots.  She looked to be about five feet tall. An escaped Santa’s elf.

I was standing there on a rectangular piece of construction-quality plywood to keep a barrier between the cold cement sidewalk and my frozen feet.  Huddling behind a two foot wide vertical wall attached to the newsstand that served, badly, as a wind screen, I waited for her to tell me what newspaper she wanted.  And I waited some more.

The girl looked at me for another moment; she seemed to be struggling to get up the nerve to speak. Shy?

(Read on …)

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