Different Slants

by Robert M. Katzman © June 28, 2020

So, I wanted a fast cheap haircut,

‘Cause I ain’t pretty ‘n I don’t care,

So I went to this local joint to do it

Clip, clip, gone!

One guy there

Not smiling,

So I figured great

Place’s empty

In ‘n out

And the guy asked me what I wanted

I looked the mope and said

“Jeez man, I want an oil change

What’d ya think I want?”

Still no smile

Started asking me…questions

Bad idea:

“Name?”

“Moses”

“Do you buy hair products here?”

“Why?”

He looked exasperated 

Because for some reason

The old fart in front of him

Wouldn’t submit to questioning.

I said, “You cut hair?

“Then cut mine.”

He wasn’t happy.

I sat down,

Mr Schmuck 

Wrapped the tissue thing around my neck

And then the phone rang

And he went to get it

And then he stayed on it,

And I thought,

Guy’s too dumb to live

So I tore off the tissue

And walked out

There was another place nearby

So I decided to give them a tumble

Went in,

Filled with young women workers

Each with a different hair style

Weird

A big TV was playing things I don’t watch

And then the same damn questions

From yet another

Barber Shop Gestapo

Even though my interrogators

Were better looking.

“Ladies! Please?

I’m NOT gonna cooperate

You don’t need to know anything else

But will I pay ya ‘n will I tip ya, right?

Anybody here know how to cut hair?”

Joint’s silent

I’m thinking

I shoulda gone to Burger King for a haircut

Maybe Ace Hardware

They got things that cut

Then a brave woman 

Way in the back

Raised her hand and blurted out

“Me”!

That broke the silence

And I went to her chair

Sat down

Told the brave soul that

I just wanted 

Whatever I already had

But shorter, please

Because I don’t know

Fancy Hair Cut Lingo

Then she asked me

“Scissors or shears?”

I replied

“How the hell do I know?

I never watch

No one has ever asked me that before

About the tools necessary

To cut my damn hair!”

She says, ok, um…

I’ll use both

I am not sure

If that’s a threat

But I decided to

Go with this possible flow

Twenty minutes later

More hair’s on the floor

Than’s left on me

And I look no worse than

When I walked in,

So I assure 

Miss “Scissors or shears?”

I’m happy, 

Go to the register

Pay her plus a 20% tip

She smiles

I leave

Fast

The unknown customer

The stranger seeking 

A sane hair arranger

Bastards never got my name

Resisting idiot behavior

Can become easier with practice

Try it

********************

Publishing News! 

Bob Katzman’s two new true Chicago books are now for sale, from him!
Vol. One: A Savage Heart  and Vol. Two: Fighting Words

Gritty, violent, friendship, classic American entrepreneurship love, death, heartbreak and the real dirt about surviving in a completely corrupt major city under the Chicago Machine. More history and about one man’s life than a person may imagine.

Please visit my new website: https://www.dontgoquietlypress.com
If a person doesn’t want to use PayPaI, I also have a PO Box & I ship anywhere in America.

Send me a money order with your return and contact info.
I will get your books to you within ten days.
Here’s complete information on how to buy my books:

Vol 1: A Savage Heart and Vol. 2: Fighting Words
My books weigh almost 2 pounds each, with about 525 pages each and there are a total together of 79 stories and story/poems.

Robert M. Katzman
Don’t Go Quietly Press
PO Box 44287
Racine, Wis. 53404-9998                                                                                                                     (262)752-3333, 8AM-7PM

Books cost $29.95 each, plus shipping

For: (1)$3.95; (2)$5.95; (3)$7.95; (4)$8.95 (5)$9.95;(6) $10.95

(7) $11.95; (8) $12.95; (9)$13.95 (10)$15.95 (15)$19.95

Shipping by air to most of Europe, due to the weight of my books is $99.00

I am also for hire if anyone wants me to read my work and answer questions in the Chicago/Milwaukee area. Schools should call me for quantity discounts for 30 or more books. Also: businesses, bookstores, private organizations or churches and so on.